Release
OPENING REMARKS FROM THE "LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN" <br />ON THE CBS TELEVISION NETWORK <br />
(Monday, May 16-Friday, May 20)
"Beautiful day here in New York City – I was talking to the audience about this earlier, perfect springtime. I'll give you an idea how lovely the weather in New York City is today: the writer who started this joke that I'm telling right now went to the park before he finished it."
* * *
"Turning our attention to the world of baseball, did you hear about this? Yesterday in Oakland, a fan threw a beer at Jason Giambi. What a waste of $36…But here's the sad part of the deal: Giambi took a swing at the guy and missed."
* * *
"How many of you folks saw the 'Survivor' finale last night? And the winner, the champion Survivor, is a guy named Tom Westman, and wouldn't you know it, already there's scandal. Yes, apparently, he received personal coaching from Paula Abdul."
* * *
"Here's what I find interesting: as you know, ladies and gentlemen, so many of our top stars today are in prison. And when they get out of prison, they want to get back into show business, so they make what we call a comeback. It's called a comeback. And Robert Blake – remember Robert Blake? He murdered his wife, or some say he didn't. And then he was in prison and the jury said, 'No, he can go home now,' so everything's fine. Well, earlier tonight, for a full hour, he was the guest on 'Larry King.' It's all part of Robert Blake's comeback. As a matter of fact, tomorrow, Blake will be making Veal Sinatra with Tony Danza."
* * *
"But, earlier tonight on the 'Larry King Show,' he said he's dating again. Robert Blake is actually dating again. But it must not be serious because the woman is still alive."
* * *
"I guess you know about this: Saddam Hussein in prison and writing his personal memoir. Personal memoir – and he will describe his relationship with his three sons: Uday, Qusay and Little Joe."
* * *
"…It's a memoir by Saddam Hussein – as I believe it, he's the first jailed dictator to write a book since, well, Martha Stewart."
* * *
"Are you aware of this? Saddam Hussein is incarcerated now, and while he's in prison, he's writing his memoirs. Writing his memoirs – that's what a lot of your famous people, a lot of your top stars do when. When they go to prison, they'll write their memoirs. And in the memoir, Saddam Hussein talks about the relationship with his two sons, Uday and Qusay, and his daughter, Uglay."
* * *
"By the way, Saddam Hussein – how many of you remember Saddam Hussein? Well, he's still in jail and he's writing his memoir all about his life as an evil dictator and he's going to promote it, honestly. This is the craziest thing in the world. He is already going to promote it. As a matter of fact, next week he will attend a book signing at Barnes & Evil."
* * *
"Ladies and gentlemen, at this time I would like to retract last night's show, and we apologize for the rioting it caused."
* * *
"It was such a slow news day, that Newsweek couldn't even make up a story today."
* * *
"How many of you folks heard about this Newsweek scandal? Newsweek had to retract a report about the Koran and the article caused a violent anti-U.S. rioting in Muslim countries. And that's too bad because up until now, they really loved us."
* * *
"It was a beautiful day in New York City today – it's so incredibly beautiful, over at Newsweek, as a matter of fact, so lovely today, they were out on the roof making up stories."
* * *
"I've never been more excited to work at CBS. They have some fantastic new shows coming on in the fall. They've got a brand-new 'CSI' show? How many of you folks watch the original 'CSI' show here on CBS?
How many of you also watch the companion show, 'CSI: Miami'? How many of you enjoy the additional 'CSI' show, 'CSI: NY'? How many of you have seen the new show, 'CSI: Trenton'? They have a brand-new 'CSI' show – it's 'CSI: LA'. 'CSI: LA' – it's going to be very, very glamorous. Each week, a Hollywood celebrity is arrested, tried and acquitted."
* * *
"Here is a great thing about this country: last night, for the full hour on the 'Larry King' show, his guest was Robert Blake. Anybody happen to see this? And Robert Blake – it's a fascinating program. He discussed his life, his career and then he gave Larry, he gave Larry some important advice on how to avoid alimony."
* * *
"Experts believe that the interview went great because Larry is still alive…But Blake told Larry that he wants to fall in love again. Robert Blake wants to fall in love again – so start lining up, girls."
* * *
"The other night, Robert Blake was on 'Larry King' for the full hour. How many got to see Robert Blake …? So anyway, Robert Blake is on the 'Larry King Show' and he's crying the blues and he's telling Larry, he's says, 'I'm broke.' He said, 'I'm out of money, I got no money, I'm broke, I'm flat broke, the whole thing – I'm busted.' As a matter of fact, he's so broke that earlier today, he had to put the murder weapon on Ebay."
* * *
"It was a fascinating interview, this Robert Blake talking to Larry King. As a matter of fact, Blake told Larry he'd actually like to take a shot at marriage again."
* * *
"There was a brand-new study out and, according to the study, American men enjoy spending weekends where they have sex and some quality time by themselves. But for me, having sex is quality time by myself."
* * *
"President Bush – you know President Bush? We reelected him a couple of months ago, remember that?
And he was saying to people – he was talking to people, I guess talking to the press, talking to various people – and he said, 'I wish I could wave a magic wand and lower gas prices.' Then he said, 'I wish I could wave a magic wand and bring the troops home.' Then he said, 'I wish I could wave a magic wand and fix healthcare.' And I'm thinking, boy, this guy waves his wand more than Clinton."
* * *
"Let me ask you a question: you know what happened last night at midnight? The new 'Star Wars' movie opened up. 'Star Wars' – are you excited about it? They say this is the best 'Star Wars' movie ever. It's called 'Attack of the Blinth,' and whenever a 'Star Wars' movie opens up, people call in sick. They don't go to work. How many folks called in sick to go see 'Star Wars'? See, that's exactly right. Even the guy who writes the phony stories for Newsweek, he phoned in sick today."
"I don't want to give away the 'Star Wars' movie, but there's a tremendous, there's a tremendous duel. Obi-Wan Kenobi his light saber, in the middle of a duel, Obi-Wan Kenobi's light saber goes dead – goes dead – and he has to find four AA batteries."
"Let me ask you a question – are you excited about the opening of the new 'Star Wars' movie? They say this is probably the best one yet – it is 'Attack of the Blinth.' And the whole crew is back, Mace Windu, Chewbacca, Jar Jar Binks, Count Dooku – no, no, wait a minute, that's Iraq's new governing council."
* * *
"Far be it from me to criticize, but I think – this is like the 50th 'Star Wars' movie – I think they're starting to run out of ideas for 'Star Wars' movies. Here's what I'm talking about: in this one, the 'Attack of the Blinth,' what happens is Natalie Portman gets cold feet and hops a bus to Albuquerque."
* * *
"I thought this was a fascinating story: in Ohio, a Wal-Mart is opening a store for Amish people. So now, Amish people can buy plastic butter churns made in China…That'll be my luck, stuck in a checkout line behind an Amish guy paying in livestock."
* * *
"But the Wal-Mart people are trained to deal with the Amish people. They know how to handle when the Amish people come. The Wal-Mart people have been trained – 'Have thee another credit card? Thy Visa has been denied.'"
* * *
The LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN, a production of Worldwide Pants Incorporated, is broadcast weeknights (11:35 PM-12:37 AM, ET/PT) on the CBS Television Network. Maria Pope, Barbara Gaines, Rob Burnett and Jude Brennan are the executive producers.
"Beautiful day here in New York City – I was talking to the audience about this earlier, perfect springtime. I'll give you an idea how lovely the weather in New York City is today: the writer who started this joke that I'm telling right now went to the park before he finished it."
* * *
"Turning our attention to the world of baseball, did you hear about this? Yesterday in Oakland, a fan threw a beer at Jason Giambi. What a waste of $36…But here's the sad part of the deal: Giambi took a swing at the guy and missed."
* * *
"How many of you folks saw the 'Survivor' finale last night? And the winner, the champion Survivor, is a guy named Tom Westman, and wouldn't you know it, already there's scandal. Yes, apparently, he received personal coaching from Paula Abdul."
* * *
"Here's what I find interesting: as you know, ladies and gentlemen, so many of our top stars today are in prison. And when they get out of prison, they want to get back into show business, so they make what we call a comeback. It's called a comeback. And Robert Blake – remember Robert Blake? He murdered his wife, or some say he didn't. And then he was in prison and the jury said, 'No, he can go home now,' so everything's fine. Well, earlier tonight, for a full hour, he was the guest on 'Larry King.' It's all part of Robert Blake's comeback. As a matter of fact, tomorrow, Blake will be making Veal Sinatra with Tony Danza."
* * *
"But, earlier tonight on the 'Larry King Show,' he said he's dating again. Robert Blake is actually dating again. But it must not be serious because the woman is still alive."
* * *
"I guess you know about this: Saddam Hussein in prison and writing his personal memoir. Personal memoir – and he will describe his relationship with his three sons: Uday, Qusay and Little Joe."
* * *
"…It's a memoir by Saddam Hussein – as I believe it, he's the first jailed dictator to write a book since, well, Martha Stewart."
* * *
"Are you aware of this? Saddam Hussein is incarcerated now, and while he's in prison, he's writing his memoirs. Writing his memoirs – that's what a lot of your famous people, a lot of your top stars do when. When they go to prison, they'll write their memoirs. And in the memoir, Saddam Hussein talks about the relationship with his two sons, Uday and Qusay, and his daughter, Uglay."
* * *
"By the way, Saddam Hussein – how many of you remember Saddam Hussein? Well, he's still in jail and he's writing his memoir all about his life as an evil dictator and he's going to promote it, honestly. This is the craziest thing in the world. He is already going to promote it. As a matter of fact, next week he will attend a book signing at Barnes & Evil."
* * *
"Ladies and gentlemen, at this time I would like to retract last night's show, and we apologize for the rioting it caused."
* * *
"It was such a slow news day, that Newsweek couldn't even make up a story today."
* * *
"How many of you folks heard about this Newsweek scandal? Newsweek had to retract a report about the Koran and the article caused a violent anti-U.S. rioting in Muslim countries. And that's too bad because up until now, they really loved us."
* * *
"It was a beautiful day in New York City today – it's so incredibly beautiful, over at Newsweek, as a matter of fact, so lovely today, they were out on the roof making up stories."
* * *
"I've never been more excited to work at CBS. They have some fantastic new shows coming on in the fall. They've got a brand-new 'CSI' show? How many of you folks watch the original 'CSI' show here on CBS?
How many of you also watch the companion show, 'CSI: Miami'? How many of you enjoy the additional 'CSI' show, 'CSI: NY'? How many of you have seen the new show, 'CSI: Trenton'? They have a brand-new 'CSI' show – it's 'CSI: LA'. 'CSI: LA' – it's going to be very, very glamorous. Each week, a Hollywood celebrity is arrested, tried and acquitted."
* * *
"Here is a great thing about this country: last night, for the full hour on the 'Larry King' show, his guest was Robert Blake. Anybody happen to see this? And Robert Blake – it's a fascinating program. He discussed his life, his career and then he gave Larry, he gave Larry some important advice on how to avoid alimony."
* * *
"Experts believe that the interview went great because Larry is still alive…But Blake told Larry that he wants to fall in love again. Robert Blake wants to fall in love again – so start lining up, girls."
* * *
"The other night, Robert Blake was on 'Larry King' for the full hour. How many got to see Robert Blake …? So anyway, Robert Blake is on the 'Larry King Show' and he's crying the blues and he's telling Larry, he's says, 'I'm broke.' He said, 'I'm out of money, I got no money, I'm broke, I'm flat broke, the whole thing – I'm busted.' As a matter of fact, he's so broke that earlier today, he had to put the murder weapon on Ebay."
* * *
"It was a fascinating interview, this Robert Blake talking to Larry King. As a matter of fact, Blake told Larry he'd actually like to take a shot at marriage again."
* * *
"There was a brand-new study out and, according to the study, American men enjoy spending weekends where they have sex and some quality time by themselves. But for me, having sex is quality time by myself."
* * *
"President Bush – you know President Bush? We reelected him a couple of months ago, remember that?
And he was saying to people – he was talking to people, I guess talking to the press, talking to various people – and he said, 'I wish I could wave a magic wand and lower gas prices.' Then he said, 'I wish I could wave a magic wand and bring the troops home.' Then he said, 'I wish I could wave a magic wand and fix healthcare.' And I'm thinking, boy, this guy waves his wand more than Clinton."
* * *
"Let me ask you a question: you know what happened last night at midnight? The new 'Star Wars' movie opened up. 'Star Wars' – are you excited about it? They say this is the best 'Star Wars' movie ever. It's called 'Attack of the Blinth,' and whenever a 'Star Wars' movie opens up, people call in sick. They don't go to work. How many folks called in sick to go see 'Star Wars'? See, that's exactly right. Even the guy who writes the phony stories for Newsweek, he phoned in sick today."
"I don't want to give away the 'Star Wars' movie, but there's a tremendous, there's a tremendous duel. Obi-Wan Kenobi his light saber, in the middle of a duel, Obi-Wan Kenobi's light saber goes dead – goes dead – and he has to find four AA batteries."
"Let me ask you a question – are you excited about the opening of the new 'Star Wars' movie? They say this is probably the best one yet – it is 'Attack of the Blinth.' And the whole crew is back, Mace Windu, Chewbacca, Jar Jar Binks, Count Dooku – no, no, wait a minute, that's Iraq's new governing council."
* * *
"Far be it from me to criticize, but I think – this is like the 50th 'Star Wars' movie – I think they're starting to run out of ideas for 'Star Wars' movies. Here's what I'm talking about: in this one, the 'Attack of the Blinth,' what happens is Natalie Portman gets cold feet and hops a bus to Albuquerque."
* * *
"I thought this was a fascinating story: in Ohio, a Wal-Mart is opening a store for Amish people. So now, Amish people can buy plastic butter churns made in China…That'll be my luck, stuck in a checkout line behind an Amish guy paying in livestock."
* * *
"But the Wal-Mart people are trained to deal with the Amish people. They know how to handle when the Amish people come. The Wal-Mart people have been trained – 'Have thee another credit card? Thy Visa has been denied.'"
* * *
The LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN, a production of Worldwide Pants Incorporated, is broadcast weeknights (11:35 PM-12:37 AM, ET/PT) on the CBS Television Network. Maria Pope, Barbara Gaines, Rob Burnett and Jude Brennan are the executive producers.
