October 24July 25, 2005

OPENING REMARKS FROM THE "LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN" ON THE CBS TELEVISION NETWORK

(Monday, July 18Oct. 17-Friday, Oct. 21July 22)

"Here's a reminder to Iraq: the crooked voting machines are due back in Florida by Friday."

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"It looks like Iraq voted to okay their new constitution --- and that means that the U.S. is one step closer to being there another ten years."

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"Boy, this was exciting: you know, they are still hunting down terrorists and over the weekend in Iraq, they arrested the Al Qaeda barber. That's right, that's not like a nickname, he was actually the barber. And it is an enormous breakthrough, and now we have a lead on Osama Bin Laden's aromatherapist."

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"You have to be very careful with Al Qaeda's barber because if you say 'just a little off the top,' he takes your head off." * * *

"Oh, here's good news, ladies and gentlemen: over the weekend, U.S. forces in Iraq captured Al Qaeda's barber. They also confiscated his shoulder-mounted blow dryer."

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"But we're still waiting now for the results of the Iraqi election, and the Sunnis, the Sunnis are now saying that the vote was rigged. The Sunnis are unhappy, they say the vote was rigged. So, I guess they really are getting an American-style democracy."

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"You know Saddam Hussein? He's going on trial tomorrow. Saddam Hussein is going on trial tomorrow. He's accused of 143 murders, but he actually did get a break earlier today. The prosecutors dropped the two counts of stealing satellite TV."

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"When Saddam's trial begins, he will be the first ruthless, cold-blooded dictator to stand trial since Martha Stewart." * * *

"Oh, Saddam Hussein's trial began yesterday. Are you folks aware of that, Saddam Hussein is standing trial? Well, in court, he stubbornly insisted that he is still the president. He was defiant. He said, 'I am still the president' --- you know, a little like Bush."

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"And the jurors at the Saddam Hussein trial will be shown graphic images of atrocities, and, well, like the picture of Saddam in his underpants."

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"You folks been following the Saddam Hussein thing? He's getting ready to go to trial over there in Iraq. They're going to put him on trial in Baghdad, and the jury selection has already begun. And everybody was there for the jury selection in the courtroom. Saddam was there, his attorneys were there, Chemical Ali was there and he brought his wife, Chemical Betty."

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"And President Bush is taking an active role in the Saddam Hussein trial. Earlier today, he appointed an unqualified judge."

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"You know Karl Rove, Presidential advisor and buddy, Karl Rove? Apparently the brains in the White House --- well, he may be forced to resign, Karl Rove. Yeah, insiders say that if Karl Rove resigns, President Bush would not function effectively. And I'm thinking, wait a minute, all this time he's been functioning effectively?"

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"How about that President Bush, though? That's something. You know, his approval rating is at an all-time low. Thirty-nine percent, President Bush's approval rating, and he's in such disfavor...most Americans would like to replace him with Geena Davis."

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"I'll give you an idea about how bad George Bush's approval rating is: more people actually approve of the job I'm doing."

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"And, you know, Supreme Court nominee Harriet Miers --- this is a strange, fascinating woman. This woman steadfastly refuses to talk about herself, will not talk about herself. And I'm thinking to myself, well, hell, where do you find a woman like that?"

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"You know about this? People magazine this year has named Jude Law sexiest man alive. Think of the nannies he's going to get now." * * *

"But I'm very flattered to say I also appear on the list of the sexiest people alive, thank you. I'm right between Karl Rove and Janet Reno."

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"You know, it's great --- you don't know this, but it's almost the holidays, or maybe you do know this. But now, all of a sudden, there are things you can buy for the holidays. Listen to this: Regis Philbin --- you know Regis Philbin, he has his own show here in New York City --- and Donald Trump, you know Donald Trump. They have a new CD out where they're singing Christmas songs. 'What is something no one will buy, Alex?''

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"Wow, here's great news: you know the holidays are just around the corner and Regis Philbin --- you know Regis Philbin --- and Donald Trump have a special CD of holiday music, Christmas music for the holidays. I am so excited and here's what I'm going to do: Christmas Eve, I'm going to start a great big, huge roaring fire, and then throw the CD right in it."

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"I don't know if you've heard about this or not: you know there's a guy in New York City who does a TV show every day called Regis Philbin, and there's another guy like a billionaire with weird hair, Donald Trump. Well, together, guess what they've done? They've gotten together and recorded a Christmas CD, holiday songs. And you're thinking that's an odd idea. Well, here's how it happened: they got together and they realized that there was still some money in New York that they didn't already have their hands on, so they said, 'Fine, let's do this...By the way, that new holiday CD, it makes a great dumpster stuffer."

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"You know, this is very exciting: you remember Tom Cruise, and everybody was going crazy about Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes getting married and stuff like that? Listen to this: Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are engaged. Isn't that amazing? No date has yet been set for the divorce...Brad made it official earlier this week by jumping up and down on Oprah's couch."

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"Here's one I think you'll like: you know that magician, David Copperfield, and he's a master illusionist. You know David Copperfield --- he's been on the show many, many times and he creates and concocts these enormous, terrifying, mysterious illusions. Well0, now he says he will impregnate a woman without touching her. Impregnate a woman without touching her, and I'm thinking, whoa, talk about a magic wand." * * *

"I want to tell you, it's fall. You can tell it's fall. Can you tell it's fall when you're outside walking around? Here's another way you can tell it's fall: earlier today, the Minnesota Vikings hired a bunch of hookers for a hay ride."

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"How about this? Yesterday in the USA Today headlines, according to a survey, U.S. teenagers do not count oral sex as sex. Hell, I'd count it...I mean, what have I been paying for all these years?"

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"There's another survey that indicates the average person in America has 16 hours of sex in a lifetime. In a lifetime, combine it all, it totals up to 16 hours of sex in a lifetime. And I think, 'Well, you know, that's true only if you count the time I spend apologizing.'"

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"...Crime is down all over the city, and it's down in Washington, D.C. As a matter of fact, today, Tom DeLay was just laundering clothing.

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"How many of you folks have been watching the new fall schedule here at CBS? How many of you folks are lying? Well, we're very excited, very proud. There's a brand-new hit show here on CBS. Earlier tonight, it's the 'Ghost Whisperer.' Every week, the 'Ghost Whisperer' is contacted by a dead person and then the Ghost Whisperer will run an errand for the dead person. Earlier tonight, the Ghost Whisperer disconnected cable TV for William Rehnquist."

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"Hot today -- isn't it hot? Here's how hot it is today. It is so hot today that Deputy Chief of Staff Karl Rove leaked the names Ben and Jerry."

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"And you know about Karl Rove -- he is very desperate now. He's trying to improve his image and this afternoon, earlier today, he was jumping up and down on Oprah's couch."

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"You folks following the scandal with Karl Rove? Earlier today, President Bush says that he doesn't want to act too quickly and does not want to act before he has all of the facts. And I was thinking, well, jeez, this doesn't sound like the President Bush I know?" ?
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"But President Bush said that he will stand by Karl Rove, and you know what that means -- he will be gone in a week."

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"Hot down in Washington, D.C. -- earlier today, the statue of Lincoln was actually sitting in the reflective pool."

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"Well, I guess we're all excited that President Bush announced his nomination to the Supreme Court, John Roberts. That's right. Bush searched far and wide before he made the risky choice of a white guy in his 50s."

"Here's what we know about John Roberts: he is a conservative, and as a small town judge, he once outlawed dirty dancing." ?
"But now, of course, they've got to approve him, and the guy is everywhere. Judge Roberts is everywhere -- this morning, he was making chicken cacciatore with Tony Danza."

"How about it -- did you get a copy of the new Harry Potter book? Wow, tremendous success. How exciting is this. Harry Potter, if you know about this, Harry Potter is 17, turns 17, and in this adventure, he discovers his wand."

"But have you seen it? It's a big, big book. I mean, the?book itself is?so thick, you can actually?use it to stand on to reach a better book."

"And here's another thing: 'Charlie and the Chocolate Factory,' how many of you folks saw the big blockbuster? You know?what it's about -- it's about a really creepy guy who wears makeup and he entices kids with candy. But it has a happy ending -- he's acquitted."

"So, Saddam Hussein, it now looks like he's getting ready to go on trial. And the United States is confused: we can't decide whether to charge him, put him in court, try him and send him to jail, or just put him back in charge and get the hell out of there."

"And here's good news: Vice President Dick Cheney had his annual physical over the weekend, and doctors gave him a clean bill of health. Clean bill of health to Dick Cheney, and they say there's no reason he can't live to have four or five more heart attacks." ?
"But Cheney has one little minor thing: he's suffering from irritation of the esophagus and swollen arteries in his knees. Yeah, in Washington, that's known as the Lewinsky syndrome."

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"Folks, oh, how about the new Harry Potter book -- have you been reading the new Harry Potter book? The thing about this new Harry Potter book, it's dark and disturbing. As a matter of fact, it's so dark and disturbing that after Tom Cruise read it, he had to take an anti-depressant." ?
"But if you have been following the Harry Potter series, in this book, Harry is now 17 years old, and he's really growing up fast. As a matter of fact, in one scene at the dining hall there at Hogwarts, he levitates the napkin on his lap."

"Maybe you know about this: when you go into the supermarket, you get your, you buy your fruit and stuff. They're using lasers to tattoo the fruit. Were you aware of that? Yeah, and not only that, I get home this morning and unpack my groceries and somebody had pierced my zucchini."

They're using lasers to tattoo fruit, and I'm thinking, well, geez, I haven't seen tattooed fruit since, well, the Village People."

"Celebrity happy birthday -- do you like celebrity birthdays? Former Attorney General Janet Reno -- 67 years old today. Sixty-seven years old today -- and if you're thinking about giving her a gift, you can't go wrong with a medicine ball."

"Well, did you hear about President Bush's appointment to the Supreme Court, John Roberts? John Roberts could be the newest member of the Supreme Court, and I'm telling you, I haven't seen this much charisma since the Oreck vacuum guy."

"But he's everywhere now. [Roberts] is doing a lot of interviews, hoping to get nominated. Earlier today, he was jumping up and down on Oprah's couch."

Boy, hot -- did you folks notice how hot it is outside? So hot here in New York City, over at St. Patrick's Cathedral earlier today, the nuns?were filling their super soakers with holy water."

"So hot, I saw a rabbi roll a keg of beer down Broadway."

"It's so hot in New York City today, the hookers in Times Square are passing out frozen condoms."

"It's so hot, Martha Stewart violated her parole just to get back in the cooler."

"It's so hot that down at Madame Tussaud's Wax Museum, tourists were standing in the shadow of Jennifer Lopez's ass."

"Boy, you can certainly tell that it's summer, can't you? Today's terror alert color is watermelon. You know, it's hot and we're right in the middle of the summer, but the good news, crime in New York City has never been lower, ladies and gentlemen, at an all-time low. As a matter of fact, up at Grant's Tomb, today he took the bars off his windows."

"Crime is down in New York City and the only ones getting away with murder are the guys who wrote this stuff."

"But it really is hot, and coming to work today, I saw an example of how hot it is. I saw actually walking, I saw Harry Potter. It was so hot, he was putting sunblock on his wand."

"But everybody's got Harry Potter fever. Earlier today, former FBI official Mark Felt announced that he was the Half-Blood Prince."

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The LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN, a production of Worldwide Pants Incorporated, is broadcast weeknights (11:35 PM-12:37 AM, ET/PT) on the CBS Television Network. Maria Pope, Barbara Gaines, Rob Burnett and Jude Brennan are the executive producers.

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Press Contact: Kimberly Izzo-Emmet 212/975-3820 krizzo-emmet@cbs.com